Not really here (ES)

I've been MIA from this blog lately. The good news is, I've lost a small amount of weight. The bad news (for me) is, I have an eating disorder. Yeah, that sucks. But the truth is, this is in no way a new thing. I've struggled with disordered eating for years. Decades, probably. It's the kind of thing that bubbles under the surface and I keep it just under control, then things happen and it boils over so I rush in with some emergency mopping up. Unfortunately the mopping up is usually just enough of a modification of my behaviour to get things back to 'bubbling under the surface' again, and the whole cycle repeats. Again and again and again.

This time, however, the boiling over happened a bit more vigorously, enough for me to admit what other people have seen and been hinting at for ages - this is not just chronic dieting; this is an eating disorder. Anorexia? No. Bulimia? No. Binge Eating Disorder? No. Compulsive Overeating? No. Various elements of some of those? Yes... which makes it what's called an ED-NOS (Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified).

The good news here is that I'm actually willing to do something about it this time, which is a huge, enormous, Grand-Canyon-crossing leap from the stuck place I have been in. So, I'm working on it with my counsellor and with a dietitian. And God. And my prayer partners. All in all, I have a pretty good team behind me! I'm doing okay, really, and I'm sure I'll get there in the end.

Anyway, just wanted to let you know where I've been, and why I probably won't be logging much on here. Unless, of course, you want to hear things like, "Yesterday I ate _______ and didn't have an anxiety attack or feel the need to punish myself." Yeah, maybe not.